WORN, its such a small word; only four little letters, but it describes how I've been feeling every minute of every day for the past month. Exhausted, tired, angry, hurt.... the list could go on.
Now let me just say that school is going great. I'm doing fantastic in my classes for the most part, and am keeping my grades up! That's not my problem. My problem lies elsewhere.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being pulled into situations I want nothing to do with. I'm tired of being forced to pick a side in order to save a relationship while destroying the other. I'm tired of being told what I'm doing wrong. I'm tired of people pointing out my faults and my littlest insecurities. I'm tired of having my faith stretched.
Situations that I have dealt with before, and hoped would never return, are popping up everywhere I turn. The time during which they occurred before was probably the darkest time in my life, and the same things are starting to happen again. I don't want to be back in that position, yet it feels as though I'm being dragged straight into it. I'm battling it with every ounce of me, but I'm exhausted. I can't seem to find the strength to fight anymore.
In these moments, I feel alone. I feel rejected, abandoned and utterly an outcast. In these moments, I yell at God, asking why is He letting all of this happen again? Asking what did I do to earn this? What more do I have to learn about this situation? Why does He feel so far away?
But in these moments I realize, that He is all I have left. These situations have taken away friends, relationships, and opportunities. When all that is stripped away I have nothing left. All there is, is me, a wretch. So I have no choice but to cling to Him with everything I have. I yell and curse at God as if that would make a difference, when I am screaming at the only one who can heal my hurt. Outside of Him, I can't fight this. I need Him every second of every day.
Now I'm not writing this to gain your sympathy. I don't want someone to say its ok, and things are going to get better. I know they will. I just want to know that I have someone who is praying for me until things do.
Until next time:
Hannah
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Light
Ok, I think I'm getting lazy. I can't come up with anything for the title of this post other than one word. And, its not the first time its happened either. Oh well, at least it gets my point across.
So this past week, my life has been crazy busy. My youngest brother is showing sheep, and my sister is showing sheep and rabbits at the local county fair this week. They have to be there all day, everyday, and have to have someone there with them too. Plus my aunt came in tonight from Ukraine to see my brother and cousin when they get back from Uganda in a couple days, so my mom has been furiously cleaning the house. So since she's been busy, and my dad works all day, guess who gets to be at the fair? Its a lot of fun to see all the animals, but it definitely gets boring after a couple of hours. I am also trying desperately to find a job, and college orientation is in just a few weeks. It seems like everything is just one on top of another right now.
But tonight, I got a challenge.
I don't know why, but I am becoming really shy. Most of the people who know me know that I'm not overly loud and obnoxious, but I'm definitely not the world's most social person ever. When I'm with my friends I am quite the talker, but now, I am starting to back off and become a little more reserved, especially around guys. It's a fear thing I guess. Like I've said in almost every one of my posts thus far, I let fear rule certain parts of my life, and this is one of them. In the back of my mind, I really could care less what people think of me. I know that I am a child of God, and my identity rests in him alone. However, when I get around new people, I tend to flip a switch and suddenly my mind starts racing: "What to they think of me?" "Do they think I'm a freak?" "Do they like me?" "What's going on here?" I don't quite understand why I do that.
Tonight is one of my last nights in youth group as an actual student, so I really have had some high expectations as to what I want to learn. Our message tonight was on the little things that we can do to show others how much Christ loves them! We talked about things like sitting with the lonely kid at lunch at school, or just smiling at someone who might be having a bad day. We sang a song called "For the Sake of the World" by Bethel Worship. The words in the chorus echoed the whole point of tonight, and it hit me hard.
"For the sake of the world, burn like a fire in me.
Light a flame in my soul, for every eye to see.
For the sake of the world, burn like a fire in me."
It says to have Christ light a flame that the whole world can see. I realized tonight: I have a light, it may not shine as brightly as others, or it may shine brighter. That isn't important. What is important is that it shines. I have been given a light to shine, and what am I doing with it?
Right now, I'm being a selfish brat, because I don't want to go out of my comfort zone and make a fool of myself. I want me to look good at the expense of others. What if God wants me to talk to that person although they act as though I don't exist? What if he wants me to spend gas money paying for someone's groceries who can't afford it? I might have to go without things I want( Not need), or I might get weird stares. God can work in the smallest of things and wants to use my light to shine into the lives of others.
I want to reach out to the poor and needy
I want to be that person that people can confide in.
I want to be that person who can make them smile on a horrible day
I want to be used by God to touch people
I want God to use other people to touch my life as well.
But I want to hide my light. Maybe God is putting certain people in my path, not necessarily for me to minister to them, but for them to minister to me. Maybe God wants people to speak into my life. But I have to talk to them first. God has put a couple specific people in my life for me to pursue friendships with, but I don't even have the guts to talk to them. Why do I want my selfish ways, when I know that God has got some amazing things planned if I would just trust him?
I have a light. I've had a light since the day I accepted Jesus in my room 13 years ago. But I see so many others around me who are still in darkness. Just like candles can light other candles, so people can share God's love with others and in turn give them the light they possess.
I guess I'm wanting whoever reads this to know that I struggle, and I would appreciate your prayers.
Until next time,
Hannah
So this past week, my life has been crazy busy. My youngest brother is showing sheep, and my sister is showing sheep and rabbits at the local county fair this week. They have to be there all day, everyday, and have to have someone there with them too. Plus my aunt came in tonight from Ukraine to see my brother and cousin when they get back from Uganda in a couple days, so my mom has been furiously cleaning the house. So since she's been busy, and my dad works all day, guess who gets to be at the fair? Its a lot of fun to see all the animals, but it definitely gets boring after a couple of hours. I am also trying desperately to find a job, and college orientation is in just a few weeks. It seems like everything is just one on top of another right now.
But tonight, I got a challenge.
I don't know why, but I am becoming really shy. Most of the people who know me know that I'm not overly loud and obnoxious, but I'm definitely not the world's most social person ever. When I'm with my friends I am quite the talker, but now, I am starting to back off and become a little more reserved, especially around guys. It's a fear thing I guess. Like I've said in almost every one of my posts thus far, I let fear rule certain parts of my life, and this is one of them. In the back of my mind, I really could care less what people think of me. I know that I am a child of God, and my identity rests in him alone. However, when I get around new people, I tend to flip a switch and suddenly my mind starts racing: "What to they think of me?" "Do they think I'm a freak?" "Do they like me?" "What's going on here?" I don't quite understand why I do that.
Tonight is one of my last nights in youth group as an actual student, so I really have had some high expectations as to what I want to learn. Our message tonight was on the little things that we can do to show others how much Christ loves them! We talked about things like sitting with the lonely kid at lunch at school, or just smiling at someone who might be having a bad day. We sang a song called "For the Sake of the World" by Bethel Worship. The words in the chorus echoed the whole point of tonight, and it hit me hard.
"For the sake of the world, burn like a fire in me.
Light a flame in my soul, for every eye to see.
For the sake of the world, burn like a fire in me."
It says to have Christ light a flame that the whole world can see. I realized tonight: I have a light, it may not shine as brightly as others, or it may shine brighter. That isn't important. What is important is that it shines. I have been given a light to shine, and what am I doing with it?
Right now, I'm being a selfish brat, because I don't want to go out of my comfort zone and make a fool of myself. I want me to look good at the expense of others. What if God wants me to talk to that person although they act as though I don't exist? What if he wants me to spend gas money paying for someone's groceries who can't afford it? I might have to go without things I want( Not need), or I might get weird stares. God can work in the smallest of things and wants to use my light to shine into the lives of others.
I want to reach out to the poor and needy
I want to be that person that people can confide in.
I want to be that person who can make them smile on a horrible day
I want to be used by God to touch people
I want God to use other people to touch my life as well.
But I want to hide my light. Maybe God is putting certain people in my path, not necessarily for me to minister to them, but for them to minister to me. Maybe God wants people to speak into my life. But I have to talk to them first. God has put a couple specific people in my life for me to pursue friendships with, but I don't even have the guts to talk to them. Why do I want my selfish ways, when I know that God has got some amazing things planned if I would just trust him?
I have a light. I've had a light since the day I accepted Jesus in my room 13 years ago. But I see so many others around me who are still in darkness. Just like candles can light other candles, so people can share God's love with others and in turn give them the light they possess.
I guess I'm wanting whoever reads this to know that I struggle, and I would appreciate your prayers.
Until next time,
Hannah
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Connections
Have you ever met those people, who, when you are first introduced to them, there is an instant connection that runs deeper between you than in most of your other friendships? Up until recently, I wasn't able to say that I ever had. Friends were a foreign concept to me, and an intimate connection with someone was unheard of. I had pushed people away because I thought they would hurt me just like everyone else had in my past. I didn't want to have a personal relationship with anyone; I was scared to trust again! I assumed friends would just ditch me, because they always had, when someone else cooler came along. I was perfectly content in my little bubble of selfishness, where I knew no one could hurt me.
But this past week, I was hurtled outside of my pathetic little circle of comfort into something better than I could have ever imagined. This past week (8th-12th), was my church's regional youth camp. It was my last year as a camper, so I decided to make sure this was the best year yet! I had my core group of friends, who know parts of my past, but didn't really ever talk about it, and I was perfectly ok with that. I felt comfortable walking on campus that bright Monday morning, thinking I would spend time with those I knew, and the people from out of town who I had been waiting over a year to see. God had such bigger plans though.
He placed people in my path, that I would never have expected myself to hang out with. I was SO out of my comfort zone when I first met them, and I caught myself freaking out whenever they wanted to spend more time with me and my friends. I just kind of shrugged it off, and shut down, like I always do!
Wednesday night, I had a word spoken over me, that was exactly what I needed to hear, and dealt so perfectly with the situation I was in. I sat there and cried in my friends arms, as only she knew what pain that word had brought to the surface of my life. It was then that I looked around and saw so many of my friends ministering to each other. Kids that swore they hated each other were praying for each other, and together, were praying for those around them. I heard this little voice in my head as clear as if it was standing right next to me. All it said was "If you would let go of the fear of what man can do to you, I could use you in greater capacities than this." Then the voice quoted the verse that says "And if our God is for us, than who can stand against us?" (My paraphrase of course!) Right then and there, I knew I had to give up my fear of what others would do to me. God has placed people in my life for a reason; some to hurt me so deeply, that all I can do it run back to Him, others he placed in my life to encourage me and show me that He has never left me.
After those words were spoken into my life, I wanted so desperately to be able to speak into someone else's life the way that one particular leader had for me. But nothing came to me that night. I watched some of my closest friends pray over people they didn't even know, and God worked through them in ways I never could have imagined. Still, I had that deep longing to make a difference.
Thursday night came around, and was even better than Wednesday night. People were being baptized in the Holy Spirit, and the presence of God was so tangible in that sanctuary. I balled my eyes out watching those who I knew had struggled so much in the past, completely turn their lives around that night. But still, I didn't feel as though God had given me any words for anyone, and I was frustrated. The night wore on, and my favorite part of the week, skits, turned out awesome. I was so physically exhausted when I headed back to my cabin, that all I wanted to do was sleep for a week. But it was then that God placed something on my heart for three people I had met that week. Being the selfish human I am, I blew it off, just wanting to do nothing but finally catch some z's ( I probably only slept about 12 hours the whole 4 nights we were there!)
Sometimes I hate the way God decides to get my attention. That night, as soon as I laid down, it was like someone gave me a huge shot of caffeine; I couldn't sleep a wink. I knew then, that I had to write letters to those individuals he had set on my heart. When I started praying that God would give me the words to say, I started to freak out. Some of the things he wanted me to write were things I probably shouldn't know about these people, and I really started to doubt this was what I was supposed to do. How would they take it considering I had met them only 3 days earlier? What if I was wrong? What would they think? I took a step and wrote the letters despite the voices in my head telling me I would regret it, and that I couldn't change anything by writing.
Friday morning came bright and early, and the group these people were in were leaving early, so I knew I had to do it. I didn't get the chance to give the letters in person, but I know they received them. I don't know if they were right, or if they made any difference at all, but I have to trust God that it was what they needed!
God placed people in my life that made a difference in my life, whether they knew it or not. I have talked to almost all of them everyday since camp, and I know I will continue to, because I need them to help me in my walk with God. But there are certain ones that I feel a certain connection with. I feel as though God has placed them on my heart to be more than casual friends with. He put them in my life for me to pour into them, and to encourage them to pursue all the desires God has placed on their heart. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have them in my life, even some I only have known for a week! I have a relationship with them that feels deeper than some of the friendships I have had for years. Maybe its God working something special in all of our lives, or just that I have seen some of their struggles, and I can't wait to see what God does in the future. But then there are others here at home, that God is putting in my life, for reasons, I don't quite understand yet, but I know that my calling towards them is the same. I am called to love them, and be a light in their lives!
Ok, well its late. I had to write this down, and I don't think I have enough pages left in my journal. So sorry if this makes no sense. Its mostly just my ramblings, hence the title of my blog, but nevertheless, these posts are me. If it made sense, then I'm glad, and I hope it spoke something to you too!
Daughter of the Most Amazing King,
Hannah
But this past week, I was hurtled outside of my pathetic little circle of comfort into something better than I could have ever imagined. This past week (8th-12th), was my church's regional youth camp. It was my last year as a camper, so I decided to make sure this was the best year yet! I had my core group of friends, who know parts of my past, but didn't really ever talk about it, and I was perfectly ok with that. I felt comfortable walking on campus that bright Monday morning, thinking I would spend time with those I knew, and the people from out of town who I had been waiting over a year to see. God had such bigger plans though.
He placed people in my path, that I would never have expected myself to hang out with. I was SO out of my comfort zone when I first met them, and I caught myself freaking out whenever they wanted to spend more time with me and my friends. I just kind of shrugged it off, and shut down, like I always do!
Wednesday night, I had a word spoken over me, that was exactly what I needed to hear, and dealt so perfectly with the situation I was in. I sat there and cried in my friends arms, as only she knew what pain that word had brought to the surface of my life. It was then that I looked around and saw so many of my friends ministering to each other. Kids that swore they hated each other were praying for each other, and together, were praying for those around them. I heard this little voice in my head as clear as if it was standing right next to me. All it said was "If you would let go of the fear of what man can do to you, I could use you in greater capacities than this." Then the voice quoted the verse that says "And if our God is for us, than who can stand against us?" (My paraphrase of course!) Right then and there, I knew I had to give up my fear of what others would do to me. God has placed people in my life for a reason; some to hurt me so deeply, that all I can do it run back to Him, others he placed in my life to encourage me and show me that He has never left me.
After those words were spoken into my life, I wanted so desperately to be able to speak into someone else's life the way that one particular leader had for me. But nothing came to me that night. I watched some of my closest friends pray over people they didn't even know, and God worked through them in ways I never could have imagined. Still, I had that deep longing to make a difference.
Thursday night came around, and was even better than Wednesday night. People were being baptized in the Holy Spirit, and the presence of God was so tangible in that sanctuary. I balled my eyes out watching those who I knew had struggled so much in the past, completely turn their lives around that night. But still, I didn't feel as though God had given me any words for anyone, and I was frustrated. The night wore on, and my favorite part of the week, skits, turned out awesome. I was so physically exhausted when I headed back to my cabin, that all I wanted to do was sleep for a week. But it was then that God placed something on my heart for three people I had met that week. Being the selfish human I am, I blew it off, just wanting to do nothing but finally catch some z's ( I probably only slept about 12 hours the whole 4 nights we were there!)
Sometimes I hate the way God decides to get my attention. That night, as soon as I laid down, it was like someone gave me a huge shot of caffeine; I couldn't sleep a wink. I knew then, that I had to write letters to those individuals he had set on my heart. When I started praying that God would give me the words to say, I started to freak out. Some of the things he wanted me to write were things I probably shouldn't know about these people, and I really started to doubt this was what I was supposed to do. How would they take it considering I had met them only 3 days earlier? What if I was wrong? What would they think? I took a step and wrote the letters despite the voices in my head telling me I would regret it, and that I couldn't change anything by writing.
Friday morning came bright and early, and the group these people were in were leaving early, so I knew I had to do it. I didn't get the chance to give the letters in person, but I know they received them. I don't know if they were right, or if they made any difference at all, but I have to trust God that it was what they needed!
God placed people in my life that made a difference in my life, whether they knew it or not. I have talked to almost all of them everyday since camp, and I know I will continue to, because I need them to help me in my walk with God. But there are certain ones that I feel a certain connection with. I feel as though God has placed them on my heart to be more than casual friends with. He put them in my life for me to pour into them, and to encourage them to pursue all the desires God has placed on their heart. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have them in my life, even some I only have known for a week! I have a relationship with them that feels deeper than some of the friendships I have had for years. Maybe its God working something special in all of our lives, or just that I have seen some of their struggles, and I can't wait to see what God does in the future. But then there are others here at home, that God is putting in my life, for reasons, I don't quite understand yet, but I know that my calling towards them is the same. I am called to love them, and be a light in their lives!
Ok, well its late. I had to write this down, and I don't think I have enough pages left in my journal. So sorry if this makes no sense. Its mostly just my ramblings, hence the title of my blog, but nevertheless, these posts are me. If it made sense, then I'm glad, and I hope it spoke something to you too!
Daughter of the Most Amazing King,
Hannah
Saturday, May 18, 2013
The Mountain, the Valley, and the People in Between
First of all, I want to thank you for reading this. It really is just my ramblings, and most of them probably don't make much sense, so thank you for sticking with me.
I decided I just wanted to write because I can this time. I love the sound of laptop keys tapping away under my fingers, and I like that I can just write down what I'm feeling.
Things have been going pretty well since I last wrote. I have officially finished all my course work for high school, and only have four finals left this week, separating me from graduation! I definitely have a severe case of senioritis.
Today, I had a moment that caught me off guard. It reminded me of my past, and now my present. It has to do with the topic of friends. All my life, I struggled with friends, and the meaning of true friendship. I'll explain:
During pre-school and kindergarten, just like any other kid, I had my little friends, who I'd play with, or have the occasional play date with. Being 4&5, there really isn't anything a kid can do to another kid that is really going to permanently hurt their self-esteem or cause permanent damage in their heart. Yes, I agree that kids can be nasty at that age, but the things they fight about are so silly. I had the same friends when I made the leap from kindergarten to second grade, and then again in third grade. In fourth grade, I had a few friends move away, and it was definitely sad, but I still had my core group of girls, so I felt fine. I had friends at church, and there were a number of kids my age in my neighborhood.
But everything changed when school started on the first day of 6th grade. Being a self-conscious, pre-puberty adolescent, I was extremely self-conscious, and I was craving a chance to fit in, and have a friend that would help me through anything that might happen that year. But boy, was I wrong. Since the 4th grade, there was a girl in our class who was a couple years older than all of us, but was put in our grade because she was adopted, and hadn't ever attended school. I took it upon myself to keep an eye on her, and make sure she did ok. But she really didn't make any other friends. Kids were rude to her, and in turn I got made fun of because I was friends with her. At first it didn't really bother me, because I knew that they were just being dumb. I had friends that would make fun of me for that at school, but would still hang out with me outside of school. But then things slowly started to shift. My friends began hanging out with the older students in our school, and their personalities demeanors changed. They suddenly didn't want to hang out with me because wasn't cool enough, or because I was to sheltered, and couldn't make myself do what they wanted me to do. I tend to be a little klutzy at times, and they began to take advantage of that as well. I had kids in my class put their backpacks in the walkway between the desks when I went up to sharpen my pencil, or get a tissue, so that I would trip over them. Then they would tell me "You need to learn how to walk," or "You're such a klutz Hannah!" Now looking back, I could see it was just 6th grade kids being kids, but it really did impact me, and started me down a path I didn't want. Some of the girls were just nasty, and it finally came to the point where my parents and I agreed to pull me out of the school so that I could get away from them. I had started to become quiet and shy because I didn't know what else to do. They had betrayed me it felt like.
I started a new school that fall, and it was a welcome relief for about a year. I was trying to allow my heart to heal, and try to trust people again. My second year at that school, a number of the kids I knew began coming to my youth group. I actually was excited for them to be there because I loved my youth group, and wanted them to like it too. But they started teasing me again, and left me whenever someone bigger or better came along. to make things worse, the some of the very people I had left my old school to get away from, started attending my new school. We were civil with each other, because we had all matured since our last meeting, but they still pretty much treated me as though I didn't exist.
That school closed shortly after, and I transferred to homeschool. I missed the social interaction I had from private school, and I still do, but we'll get to that later. Church and youth group then became my only social activities. I remember asking God, that since I didn't see people on a daily base, to please send me a friend that I could spend time with, and experience high school life with. Soon after I made some friends in youth group, and we did everything together! We spent a lot of time hanging out, and I remember thinking that God had answered my prayers! This went on for about another year. Then some things happened and we ended our friendship on very unfriendly terms. I was heartbroken, mostly because they had used me, and I couldn't believe that someone would betray my trust like that. I had worked so hard to work up enough guts to trust them, and then it ended the way it did. It threw me into a tail-spin!
I had a hard time trusting people after that, and I know I scared some people off because of how cautious I was when I interacted with them. Soon after, I Uganda. I knew I would enjoy my time there, but I wasn't really looking for a life-long friendship. I knew one girl who went with me, but that was it. But God clearly had different plans for me that summer. One night, out of nowhere, I heard a voice say "Trust". That's all it said. I was so confused, until I heard our speaker's message that night. His message was on how we needed to trust each other, so that our impact as team would be intensified. I knew immediately what the voice in my head meant, but I really didn't want to have to bare that part of me I knew I had to in order to trust the teens around me.
During our time in Uganda, I learned so much about the other people on my team, and slowly felt my heart softening. I told some of the girls things I hadn't told anyone before, and they had a way of coaxing me to open up to them about my past. God worked through them on my heart, and by the end of the summer, we were all inseperable. I know that I can turn to my girls for anything!
When I came home, it was harder to open back up, mostly because I had no way of avoiding all I had been struggling with before I came home.
But God has so blessed me! Today, I realized how many AMAZING friends God has placed in my life in the past two years! I've made friends at camp, on college preview weekends, and in other churches. In fact just this week, I've had two conversations with friends about what they think God is calling them to do with their lives in the future, and the dreams that He's placed in their hearts. How many people get to say that they get to have those conversations? We go out for coffee, or jamba juice, and just talk! I have friends that will post Bible verses on Facebook for me, or will text me just to let me know they're praying for me! It makes my day! I know that I could call or text any of my friends and they would be right there to comfort me, encourage me or protect me! God truly has provided me with life-long friends, and I can't begin to express how lucky I am. Thank you to all my friends who are reading this! I LOVE you!
I decided I just wanted to write because I can this time. I love the sound of laptop keys tapping away under my fingers, and I like that I can just write down what I'm feeling.
Things have been going pretty well since I last wrote. I have officially finished all my course work for high school, and only have four finals left this week, separating me from graduation! I definitely have a severe case of senioritis.
Today, I had a moment that caught me off guard. It reminded me of my past, and now my present. It has to do with the topic of friends. All my life, I struggled with friends, and the meaning of true friendship. I'll explain:
During pre-school and kindergarten, just like any other kid, I had my little friends, who I'd play with, or have the occasional play date with. Being 4&5, there really isn't anything a kid can do to another kid that is really going to permanently hurt their self-esteem or cause permanent damage in their heart. Yes, I agree that kids can be nasty at that age, but the things they fight about are so silly. I had the same friends when I made the leap from kindergarten to second grade, and then again in third grade. In fourth grade, I had a few friends move away, and it was definitely sad, but I still had my core group of girls, so I felt fine. I had friends at church, and there were a number of kids my age in my neighborhood.
But everything changed when school started on the first day of 6th grade. Being a self-conscious, pre-puberty adolescent, I was extremely self-conscious, and I was craving a chance to fit in, and have a friend that would help me through anything that might happen that year. But boy, was I wrong. Since the 4th grade, there was a girl in our class who was a couple years older than all of us, but was put in our grade because she was adopted, and hadn't ever attended school. I took it upon myself to keep an eye on her, and make sure she did ok. But she really didn't make any other friends. Kids were rude to her, and in turn I got made fun of because I was friends with her. At first it didn't really bother me, because I knew that they were just being dumb. I had friends that would make fun of me for that at school, but would still hang out with me outside of school. But then things slowly started to shift. My friends began hanging out with the older students in our school, and their personalities demeanors changed. They suddenly didn't want to hang out with me because wasn't cool enough, or because I was to sheltered, and couldn't make myself do what they wanted me to do. I tend to be a little klutzy at times, and they began to take advantage of that as well. I had kids in my class put their backpacks in the walkway between the desks when I went up to sharpen my pencil, or get a tissue, so that I would trip over them. Then they would tell me "You need to learn how to walk," or "You're such a klutz Hannah!" Now looking back, I could see it was just 6th grade kids being kids, but it really did impact me, and started me down a path I didn't want. Some of the girls were just nasty, and it finally came to the point where my parents and I agreed to pull me out of the school so that I could get away from them. I had started to become quiet and shy because I didn't know what else to do. They had betrayed me it felt like.
I started a new school that fall, and it was a welcome relief for about a year. I was trying to allow my heart to heal, and try to trust people again. My second year at that school, a number of the kids I knew began coming to my youth group. I actually was excited for them to be there because I loved my youth group, and wanted them to like it too. But they started teasing me again, and left me whenever someone bigger or better came along. to make things worse, the some of the very people I had left my old school to get away from, started attending my new school. We were civil with each other, because we had all matured since our last meeting, but they still pretty much treated me as though I didn't exist.
That school closed shortly after, and I transferred to homeschool. I missed the social interaction I had from private school, and I still do, but we'll get to that later. Church and youth group then became my only social activities. I remember asking God, that since I didn't see people on a daily base, to please send me a friend that I could spend time with, and experience high school life with. Soon after I made some friends in youth group, and we did everything together! We spent a lot of time hanging out, and I remember thinking that God had answered my prayers! This went on for about another year. Then some things happened and we ended our friendship on very unfriendly terms. I was heartbroken, mostly because they had used me, and I couldn't believe that someone would betray my trust like that. I had worked so hard to work up enough guts to trust them, and then it ended the way it did. It threw me into a tail-spin!
I had a hard time trusting people after that, and I know I scared some people off because of how cautious I was when I interacted with them. Soon after, I Uganda. I knew I would enjoy my time there, but I wasn't really looking for a life-long friendship. I knew one girl who went with me, but that was it. But God clearly had different plans for me that summer. One night, out of nowhere, I heard a voice say "Trust". That's all it said. I was so confused, until I heard our speaker's message that night. His message was on how we needed to trust each other, so that our impact as team would be intensified. I knew immediately what the voice in my head meant, but I really didn't want to have to bare that part of me I knew I had to in order to trust the teens around me.
During our time in Uganda, I learned so much about the other people on my team, and slowly felt my heart softening. I told some of the girls things I hadn't told anyone before, and they had a way of coaxing me to open up to them about my past. God worked through them on my heart, and by the end of the summer, we were all inseperable. I know that I can turn to my girls for anything!
When I came home, it was harder to open back up, mostly because I had no way of avoiding all I had been struggling with before I came home.
But God has so blessed me! Today, I realized how many AMAZING friends God has placed in my life in the past two years! I've made friends at camp, on college preview weekends, and in other churches. In fact just this week, I've had two conversations with friends about what they think God is calling them to do with their lives in the future, and the dreams that He's placed in their hearts. How many people get to say that they get to have those conversations? We go out for coffee, or jamba juice, and just talk! I have friends that will post Bible verses on Facebook for me, or will text me just to let me know they're praying for me! It makes my day! I know that I could call or text any of my friends and they would be right there to comfort me, encourage me or protect me! God truly has provided me with life-long friends, and I can't begin to express how lucky I am. Thank you to all my friends who are reading this! I LOVE you!
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Dirty
Hello again everyone!
Its been a while since I last wrote! Since the last time I posted, I turned 18, and I'm a little under a month away from graduating from high school! It's been an eventful time to say the least! I'm excited and nervous all at the same time for whatever lies ahead!
___________________________________________________________________________________
For those of you who know me, you know that I really don't mind being dirty. If I slip in the mud while playing football, it doesn't bother me (unless I rip my favorite pair of jeans). I'm not afraid to get out there and work with horses or play a sport outside. If I get mud of my pants, or break a nail, oh well. It'll clean or heal! But spiritually, I am an absolute germ-a-phobe! I don't like being dirtied with other people's sins or problems. I want to be spotless, and its a serious problem.
I know God has placed a seed in my heart to serve him either with teenagers, or in missions. How it will all go down I don't know, but it WILL happen! When I have told people I trust about this, their first reaction is always WHY? Why would I want to do that? Then they tell me they don't think it's a good idea, for such and such a reason. It usually goes something like this:
"_____, I really feel that this is what God is putting on my heart.
Why would he be calling you to that?
I don't know, but I know that He has a plan for me to do this?
Well, I don't think that's a good idea for you.
Why is that?
Well, you have no idea how to react to teenagers. You have never had the problems that most of them have. You've never struggled with suicide, depression, drugs, alcohol or sex. You wouldn't be able to relate to them, and it wouldn't work."
Those conversations, while true, have been hurtful. I know that I have never struggled with those things, and that is a blessing, but does it really matter? A year or so ago, I felt as though I was a worse Christian because I didn't have this phenomenal testimony about how God came in and saved me from the world of sin I was drowning in. But then I realized, I was drowning in a world of sin, we all are until we make the decision to allow Christ to throw us a life preserver!
I thought I had it figured out, but it all went downhill from there. There is a song "Washed Over Me" that was written and performed by a band called "All Things New" who came to town a couple months ago for a concert. Ever since I heard it, it has now become my life anthem, but we'll get to the good part in a minute. I felt as though, since I had been washed, I needed to stay clean in such a way that I never wanted anything to do with anyone who wasn't a christian or had any "dirt" on them. Unfortunately, I still have this mindset in certain situations although, not near as often now.
Last night I was at a youth group, my brother and i have just recently started going to. We were almost finished with worship, when they started singing the song Amazing Grace "My Chains Are Gone". I made it through one verse, when I heard a voice. All it said was "The truth will set the captives free. Do not fear!" Seriously it was like a wake up call! It brought back the memories of being in Uganda evangelizing. We saw some amazing things happen, and chains were definitely broken during our time there. I had wanted the same thing to happen back here at home, but just wasn't seeing it happen the way I wanted. But then I realized that the reason I wasn't seeing it, was because I was too scared to do anything about it! Christ saved me from the pile of muck and mire that is the world. He washed me clean, but it didn't end there. He has called me to go back into the muck and mire to rescue others. He gave me the picture of someone rescuing someone caught in quicksand. The person who goes back in, does not come out spotless and sparkling! They come out covered in the same dirt that they rescued someone from. That is me! I am being called to go out of my comfort zone and "get dirty" by listening to people's problems, by having their backs, and by trusting God that he has a plan.
Back to the conversations of why I shouldn't work with youth, there is absolutely no reason why I can't serve God in that capacity. I know that I might not have struggles that many teens face, but I am still a sinner, saved by grace. I still struggle with my faith, and everyday troubles. But I know that I am not afraid to rescue others from the muck! If no one else will, then I will step up! No one has the right to tell me that I won't do a good job, when I am the only one doing it! I don't know what God has planned for me, but he has called me to this, and he will work through me! He is made perfect in my weaknesses!
Ok, sorry for the rant! Just felt like i needed to write this. The tapping of laptop keys soothes me I guess. Well until next time,
Blessed more than I deserve,
Hannah
Its been a while since I last wrote! Since the last time I posted, I turned 18, and I'm a little under a month away from graduating from high school! It's been an eventful time to say the least! I'm excited and nervous all at the same time for whatever lies ahead!
___________________________________________________________________________________
For those of you who know me, you know that I really don't mind being dirty. If I slip in the mud while playing football, it doesn't bother me (unless I rip my favorite pair of jeans). I'm not afraid to get out there and work with horses or play a sport outside. If I get mud of my pants, or break a nail, oh well. It'll clean or heal! But spiritually, I am an absolute germ-a-phobe! I don't like being dirtied with other people's sins or problems. I want to be spotless, and its a serious problem.
I know God has placed a seed in my heart to serve him either with teenagers, or in missions. How it will all go down I don't know, but it WILL happen! When I have told people I trust about this, their first reaction is always WHY? Why would I want to do that? Then they tell me they don't think it's a good idea, for such and such a reason. It usually goes something like this:
"_____, I really feel that this is what God is putting on my heart.
Why would he be calling you to that?
I don't know, but I know that He has a plan for me to do this?
Well, I don't think that's a good idea for you.
Why is that?
Well, you have no idea how to react to teenagers. You have never had the problems that most of them have. You've never struggled with suicide, depression, drugs, alcohol or sex. You wouldn't be able to relate to them, and it wouldn't work."
Those conversations, while true, have been hurtful. I know that I have never struggled with those things, and that is a blessing, but does it really matter? A year or so ago, I felt as though I was a worse Christian because I didn't have this phenomenal testimony about how God came in and saved me from the world of sin I was drowning in. But then I realized, I was drowning in a world of sin, we all are until we make the decision to allow Christ to throw us a life preserver!
I thought I had it figured out, but it all went downhill from there. There is a song "Washed Over Me" that was written and performed by a band called "All Things New" who came to town a couple months ago for a concert. Ever since I heard it, it has now become my life anthem, but we'll get to the good part in a minute. I felt as though, since I had been washed, I needed to stay clean in such a way that I never wanted anything to do with anyone who wasn't a christian or had any "dirt" on them. Unfortunately, I still have this mindset in certain situations although, not near as often now.
Last night I was at a youth group, my brother and i have just recently started going to. We were almost finished with worship, when they started singing the song Amazing Grace "My Chains Are Gone". I made it through one verse, when I heard a voice. All it said was "The truth will set the captives free. Do not fear!" Seriously it was like a wake up call! It brought back the memories of being in Uganda evangelizing. We saw some amazing things happen, and chains were definitely broken during our time there. I had wanted the same thing to happen back here at home, but just wasn't seeing it happen the way I wanted. But then I realized that the reason I wasn't seeing it, was because I was too scared to do anything about it! Christ saved me from the pile of muck and mire that is the world. He washed me clean, but it didn't end there. He has called me to go back into the muck and mire to rescue others. He gave me the picture of someone rescuing someone caught in quicksand. The person who goes back in, does not come out spotless and sparkling! They come out covered in the same dirt that they rescued someone from. That is me! I am being called to go out of my comfort zone and "get dirty" by listening to people's problems, by having their backs, and by trusting God that he has a plan.
Back to the conversations of why I shouldn't work with youth, there is absolutely no reason why I can't serve God in that capacity. I know that I might not have struggles that many teens face, but I am still a sinner, saved by grace. I still struggle with my faith, and everyday troubles. But I know that I am not afraid to rescue others from the muck! If no one else will, then I will step up! No one has the right to tell me that I won't do a good job, when I am the only one doing it! I don't know what God has planned for me, but he has called me to this, and he will work through me! He is made perfect in my weaknesses!
Ok, sorry for the rant! Just felt like i needed to write this. The tapping of laptop keys soothes me I guess. Well until next time,
Blessed more than I deserve,
Hannah
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Fear
Its that little voice in the back of your mind saying "You're not good enough. Someone else is better." Its the slimy fingers of doubt that probe through your veins and the deep recesses of your mind. It might seem small, but it keeps you from so much of your life. FEAR.
It is a small word, composed of only 4 letters, but it describes the past few months in my life so perfectly. As I prepare to graduate from high school in a few weeks, it has begun to manifest itself in everything. Unlike most teenagers, I still have no idea where I want to go to college, which poses a problem, since most colleges require registrations by the end of March or April. There are so many paths I want to pursue, but they are all so very different from each other.
This past week, God told me what he wants me to do this next year, and what he wants me to pursue as a career, but here enters that 4 letter word again: FEAR. I am scared to death to follow this path. I'm scared of what my parents will think, what my friends will think, and what others will think. I've planned on staying home and going to college here this next year, and enjoy one more year before all my other friends head off to college. I want to stay and experience the year with my cousin who is coming for a year. I want the comfort of a town and friends I know. I don't want to leave everything I have here. But I feel God is calling me away from this. He is calling me to higher things that I don't yet understand. He has proved himself in the past, in situations I felt were out of my control.
Yet still I FEAR! I fear that I will regret doing this. I fear that I might me misreading his call. I fear that I'm not making the right decision. I'm going out of my comfort zone for something I'm not sure of. Fear is consuming me and constricting my heart. It wraps a little tighter every time I think about this decision.
Still, He who is in me is greater than He that is in the world. I have nothing left to do, or give, so I must trust that someway, somehow God will be glorified through this. I have to believe that His will is greater than any plan I could ever have for myself.
i would appreciate your prayers though.
Until next time,
Hannah
It is a small word, composed of only 4 letters, but it describes the past few months in my life so perfectly. As I prepare to graduate from high school in a few weeks, it has begun to manifest itself in everything. Unlike most teenagers, I still have no idea where I want to go to college, which poses a problem, since most colleges require registrations by the end of March or April. There are so many paths I want to pursue, but they are all so very different from each other.
This past week, God told me what he wants me to do this next year, and what he wants me to pursue as a career, but here enters that 4 letter word again: FEAR. I am scared to death to follow this path. I'm scared of what my parents will think, what my friends will think, and what others will think. I've planned on staying home and going to college here this next year, and enjoy one more year before all my other friends head off to college. I want to stay and experience the year with my cousin who is coming for a year. I want the comfort of a town and friends I know. I don't want to leave everything I have here. But I feel God is calling me away from this. He is calling me to higher things that I don't yet understand. He has proved himself in the past, in situations I felt were out of my control.
Yet still I FEAR! I fear that I will regret doing this. I fear that I might me misreading his call. I fear that I'm not making the right decision. I'm going out of my comfort zone for something I'm not sure of. Fear is consuming me and constricting my heart. It wraps a little tighter every time I think about this decision.
Still, He who is in me is greater than He that is in the world. I have nothing left to do, or give, so I must trust that someway, somehow God will be glorified through this. I have to believe that His will is greater than any plan I could ever have for myself.
i would appreciate your prayers though.
Until next time,
Hannah
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Here We Go.......
Hi again!
So I really didn't have a topic for this post; sometimes you just have to obey the Lord's prompting to write.
Not many things have been going on in my life, but the few things that are seem to require life changing decisions, such as where to go to college.
This has been the biggest thing for me. With the FAFSA deadline this weekend, and colleges sending all kinds of preview letters and applications, people are starting to ask me what I'm going to do with my life. The thing is: I DON'T KNOW! I know that I want to go to college, but other than that I don't have a plan right now. Some people ask why. The best answer I can give is that God has placed a number of things on my heart but hasn't given me any indications to follow one specific path. I know I want to do ministry especially with youth, maybe even inner city youth in a bigger city. I want to do something that helps people. But most importantly, I want to do what God has called me to do.
I have a friend that is attending a Christian ministry program in California, and from what I've heard from him, his family and others is that it is an amazing experience. I want something where I can see God at work everyday. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and see evidence of lives He's changed. I want to see his redeeming power at work in me and those around me. But most of all, I want to go somewhere where I am surrounded by fellow believers, and where I can worship God with all my heart.
I know that God has set me apart for some great purpose, He has made that much plain to me. I want to be in the center of his will, but I want to be able to share his love everyday, and experience it in a way so much more real than anything I have experience thus far.
But at the same time, there are things that are tying me back to my family and my life here. My cousin is coming to live with us this fall and go to school in the States. I want to be here for her, to help her grow and keep a big-sister eye on her. I want to be her for my friend's senior year; to encourage her too! There are so many things that make me want to stay here and I'm afraid.
Afraid that I'll make the wrong decision.
Afraid I'll not grow the way I need to.
My fears weigh me down.
God has been present in every aspect of my life, but right now it feels as though he is silent in this area. He still prompts me to talk to someone I might not want to, or send an encouraging text message to someone I don't know is struggling until weeks later. But when it comes to my future, I am not getting an answer, which frustrates me to no end.
God has been my constant source of peace and strength lately, but it seems as though he is silent. But the Bible says that "Faith is the product of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (my rough translation). God has to be doing something in my life behind-the-scenes that I can't see or can even imagine. But that is what faith is based on. So I am having to trust, and know that He will give me an answer when the timing is perfect.
Until then, a humble servant of Christ,
Hannah
So I really didn't have a topic for this post; sometimes you just have to obey the Lord's prompting to write.
Not many things have been going on in my life, but the few things that are seem to require life changing decisions, such as where to go to college.
This has been the biggest thing for me. With the FAFSA deadline this weekend, and colleges sending all kinds of preview letters and applications, people are starting to ask me what I'm going to do with my life. The thing is: I DON'T KNOW! I know that I want to go to college, but other than that I don't have a plan right now. Some people ask why. The best answer I can give is that God has placed a number of things on my heart but hasn't given me any indications to follow one specific path. I know I want to do ministry especially with youth, maybe even inner city youth in a bigger city. I want to do something that helps people. But most importantly, I want to do what God has called me to do.
I have a friend that is attending a Christian ministry program in California, and from what I've heard from him, his family and others is that it is an amazing experience. I want something where I can see God at work everyday. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and see evidence of lives He's changed. I want to see his redeeming power at work in me and those around me. But most of all, I want to go somewhere where I am surrounded by fellow believers, and where I can worship God with all my heart.
I know that God has set me apart for some great purpose, He has made that much plain to me. I want to be in the center of his will, but I want to be able to share his love everyday, and experience it in a way so much more real than anything I have experience thus far.
But at the same time, there are things that are tying me back to my family and my life here. My cousin is coming to live with us this fall and go to school in the States. I want to be here for her, to help her grow and keep a big-sister eye on her. I want to be her for my friend's senior year; to encourage her too! There are so many things that make me want to stay here and I'm afraid.
Afraid that I'll make the wrong decision.
Afraid I'll not grow the way I need to.
My fears weigh me down.
God has been present in every aspect of my life, but right now it feels as though he is silent in this area. He still prompts me to talk to someone I might not want to, or send an encouraging text message to someone I don't know is struggling until weeks later. But when it comes to my future, I am not getting an answer, which frustrates me to no end.
God has been my constant source of peace and strength lately, but it seems as though he is silent. But the Bible says that "Faith is the product of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (my rough translation). God has to be doing something in my life behind-the-scenes that I can't see or can even imagine. But that is what faith is based on. So I am having to trust, and know that He will give me an answer when the timing is perfect.
Until then, a humble servant of Christ,
Hannah
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