WORN, its such a small word; only four little letters, but it describes how I've been feeling every minute of every day for the past month. Exhausted, tired, angry, hurt.... the list could go on.
Now let me just say that school is going great. I'm doing fantastic in my classes for the most part, and am keeping my grades up! That's not my problem. My problem lies elsewhere.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being pulled into situations I want nothing to do with. I'm tired of being forced to pick a side in order to save a relationship while destroying the other. I'm tired of being told what I'm doing wrong. I'm tired of people pointing out my faults and my littlest insecurities. I'm tired of having my faith stretched.
Situations that I have dealt with before, and hoped would never return, are popping up everywhere I turn. The time during which they occurred before was probably the darkest time in my life, and the same things are starting to happen again. I don't want to be back in that position, yet it feels as though I'm being dragged straight into it. I'm battling it with every ounce of me, but I'm exhausted. I can't seem to find the strength to fight anymore.
In these moments, I feel alone. I feel rejected, abandoned and utterly an outcast. In these moments, I yell at God, asking why is He letting all of this happen again? Asking what did I do to earn this? What more do I have to learn about this situation? Why does He feel so far away?
But in these moments I realize, that He is all I have left. These situations have taken away friends, relationships, and opportunities. When all that is stripped away I have nothing left. All there is, is me, a wretch. So I have no choice but to cling to Him with everything I have. I yell and curse at God as if that would make a difference, when I am screaming at the only one who can heal my hurt. Outside of Him, I can't fight this. I need Him every second of every day.
Now I'm not writing this to gain your sympathy. I don't want someone to say its ok, and things are going to get better. I know they will. I just want to know that I have someone who is praying for me until things do.
Until next time:
Hannah
