Safe

Funny how the smallest words can have the most meaning. SAFE: its only a four letter word, but its something I've struggled with for a while now.
I've always been a somewhat brave person I think. Sure, I'm scared to death  of snakes (yes, even garter snakes), but that shouldn't count. I've been a tomboy as long as I can remember, and never afraid to get out and get dirty. I'm excited to go skydiving next month, for goodness sake. But that's on the outside.
On the inside, though,  there are days where I'm absolutely terrified. I'm scared to go out of my comfort zone to where God is calling me. What if it doesn't work the way I think it will? What will the most important people in my life think of it?
I'm scared that I will get hurt again. I've gone through this twice before. What more do I have to learn from this God? The lowest time in my life, the hardest thing I've had to work through, and it just keeps occurring again and again and again. Can I ever get away from it?
I'm afraid I'll get hurt again. That anger won't or can't be controlled. That I'll bear the brunt of it again. That things will never be ok again.
I was able to meet up with some friends a few weeks back, and had the best night of my life. Skipping rocks on a riverbank, and sitting on top of a grain silo: might not sound like a lot of fun, but it was so perfect. And for the first time in months, I felt safe. I felt total and utter peace. I was able to relax and just breathe. I knew the people I was with wouldn't let anything happen to me. It was the best feeling in the world. And they still continue to check in and encourage me.  I don't think they'll ever know how much that meant and still means to me.
But now that I'm home, the fears are slowly starting to creep back in. The pain and hurt are manifesting themselves in ways they never have before. I want to go back to where I felt peace, but that's just not possible. But I know that God is at work. I don't understand what is going on or why, but I'm having to trust. I know that He is good, I just wish I could comprehend why I'm going through this situation again. I'm discouraged. I'm tired. I'm worn. But He is made perfect in my weakness, right?
Just wanted to update you on what is going on in my life. This is not a complaining post. This is simply honesty.
Until next time, I'll leave you with the lyrics of the song that has become my anthem the past few weeks.

Safe- Phil Wickham feat. Bart Millard
To the ones who's dreams have fallen all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes, you think you're on your own
But you're not alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas?
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet?
With a love so strong, it never lets you go
Oh you're not alone

You will be safe in His Arms
You will be safe in His Arms
The hands that hold the world
Are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with you always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His Arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you now to rise
So hear Him now, He's calling you home
You will never be alone

These are the hands that built the mountains
The hands that calm the sea
These are the arms that hold the heavens and
They are holding you and me
These are the hands that healed the leper
Pull the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to the cross
They are holding you and me

My Broken Heart

My heart is shattered. Not from a broken boyfriend/girlfriend relationship or a friendship. No, my heart breaks for so much more than that.
God has allowed me to have some vey unique experiences in my short 18, almost 19 years. I've been overseas; I've met people who have totally changed my life. I've done things most people will never do in their lifetimes. I know I've been blessed! So then why is my heart in a million little pieces?
My heart is broken because of the injustice I see around me.

A piece of my heart is in Uganda, where I will never forget those little hands that fit so perfectly in mine; those dark brown eyes that seemed to stare into my soul. My heart breaks to know that for some, they may not live much longer due to HIV/AIDS, or that they are forced to leave school and work because their parents have died and they must now provide for their siblings. It breaks because I know most of them will never have to the chance to just be a kid.

My heart breaks for the broken families in my life. Those people who made decisions they will regret for the rest of their lives. Nasty divorces, broken relationships, reputations destroyed. I see how it affects more than just them. It kills me to see how much pain it brings.

My heart breaks, believing there is nothing I can do to stop this injustice. Believing that all I can do is stand by and watch it happen. But I believe God has a reason for placing these feelings in my heart. He's allowed me to see how broken things are, so in turn I can see how He has worked good out of the situation. I see how the orphans I so deeply miss, are being taken care of so well. I see how God has brought love back into families, no matter how dysfunctional things still are. I see how He uses situations to force people to put their trust in Him, and has molded them into people who challenge me in my faith every day.
He allows me to see bits of the before, and the results after so that even on my worst day, I have specific stories that remind me that He can work good out of whatever situation I'm in.