First of all, I want to thank you for reading this. It really is just my ramblings, and most of them probably don't make much sense, so thank you for sticking with me.
I decided I just wanted to write because I can this time. I love the sound of laptop keys tapping away under my fingers, and I like that I can just write down what I'm feeling.
Things have been going pretty well since I last wrote. I have officially finished all my course work for high school, and only have four finals left this week, separating me from graduation! I definitely have a severe case of senioritis.
Today, I had a moment that caught me off guard. It reminded me of my past, and now my present. It has to do with the topic of friends. All my life, I struggled with friends, and the meaning of true friendship. I'll explain:
During pre-school and kindergarten, just like any other kid, I had my little friends, who I'd play with, or have the occasional play date with. Being 4&5, there really isn't anything a kid can do to another kid that is really going to permanently hurt their self-esteem or cause permanent damage in their heart. Yes, I agree that kids can be nasty at that age, but the things they fight about are so silly. I had the same friends when I made the leap from kindergarten to second grade, and then again in third grade. In fourth grade, I had a few friends move away, and it was definitely sad, but I still had my core group of girls, so I felt fine. I had friends at church, and there were a number of kids my age in my neighborhood.
But everything changed when school started on the first day of 6th grade. Being a self-conscious, pre-puberty adolescent, I was extremely self-conscious, and I was craving a chance to fit in, and have a friend that would help me through anything that might happen that year. But boy, was I wrong. Since the 4th grade, there was a girl in our class who was a couple years older than all of us, but was put in our grade because she was adopted, and hadn't ever attended school. I took it upon myself to keep an eye on her, and make sure she did ok. But she really didn't make any other friends. Kids were rude to her, and in turn I got made fun of because I was friends with her. At first it didn't really bother me, because I knew that they were just being dumb. I had friends that would make fun of me for that at school, but would still hang out with me outside of school. But then things slowly started to shift. My friends began hanging out with the older students in our school, and their personalities demeanors changed. They suddenly didn't want to hang out with me because wasn't cool enough, or because I was to sheltered, and couldn't make myself do what they wanted me to do. I tend to be a little klutzy at times, and they began to take advantage of that as well. I had kids in my class put their backpacks in the walkway between the desks when I went up to sharpen my pencil, or get a tissue, so that I would trip over them. Then they would tell me "You need to learn how to walk," or "You're such a klutz Hannah!" Now looking back, I could see it was just 6th grade kids being kids, but it really did impact me, and started me down a path I didn't want. Some of the girls were just nasty, and it finally came to the point where my parents and I agreed to pull me out of the school so that I could get away from them. I had started to become quiet and shy because I didn't know what else to do. They had betrayed me it felt like.
I started a new school that fall, and it was a welcome relief for about a year. I was trying to allow my heart to heal, and try to trust people again. My second year at that school, a number of the kids I knew began coming to my youth group. I actually was excited for them to be there because I loved my youth group, and wanted them to like it too. But they started teasing me again, and left me whenever someone bigger or better came along. to make things worse, the some of the very people I had left my old school to get away from, started attending my new school. We were civil with each other, because we had all matured since our last meeting, but they still pretty much treated me as though I didn't exist.
That school closed shortly after, and I transferred to homeschool. I missed the social interaction I had from private school, and I still do, but we'll get to that later. Church and youth group then became my only social activities. I remember asking God, that since I didn't see people on a daily base, to please send me a friend that I could spend time with, and experience high school life with. Soon after I made some friends in youth group, and we did everything together! We spent a lot of time hanging out, and I remember thinking that God had answered my prayers! This went on for about another year. Then some things happened and we ended our friendship on very unfriendly terms. I was heartbroken, mostly because they had used me, and I couldn't believe that someone would betray my trust like that. I had worked so hard to work up enough guts to trust them, and then it ended the way it did. It threw me into a tail-spin!
I had a hard time trusting people after that, and I know I scared some people off because of how cautious I was when I interacted with them. Soon after, I Uganda. I knew I would enjoy my time there, but I wasn't really looking for a life-long friendship. I knew one girl who went with me, but that was it. But God clearly had different plans for me that summer. One night, out of nowhere, I heard a voice say "Trust". That's all it said. I was so confused, until I heard our speaker's message that night. His message was on how we needed to trust each other, so that our impact as team would be intensified. I knew immediately what the voice in my head meant, but I really didn't want to have to bare that part of me I knew I had to in order to trust the teens around me.
During our time in Uganda, I learned so much about the other people on my team, and slowly felt my heart softening. I told some of the girls things I hadn't told anyone before, and they had a way of coaxing me to open up to them about my past. God worked through them on my heart, and by the end of the summer, we were all inseperable. I know that I can turn to my girls for anything!
When I came home, it was harder to open back up, mostly because I had no way of avoiding all I had been struggling with before I came home.
But God has so blessed me! Today, I realized how many AMAZING friends God has placed in my life in the past two years! I've made friends at camp, on college preview weekends, and in other churches. In fact just this week, I've had two conversations with friends about what they think God is calling them to do with their lives in the future, and the dreams that He's placed in their hearts. How many people get to say that they get to have those conversations? We go out for coffee, or jamba juice, and just talk! I have friends that will post Bible verses on Facebook for me, or will text me just to let me know they're praying for me! It makes my day! I know that I could call or text any of my friends and they would be right there to comfort me, encourage me or protect me! God truly has provided me with life-long friends, and I can't begin to express how lucky I am. Thank you to all my friends who are reading this! I LOVE you!
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