Light

Ok, I think I'm getting lazy. I can't come up with anything for the title of this post other than one word. And, its not the first time its happened either. Oh well, at least it gets my point across.

So this past week, my life has been crazy busy. My youngest brother is showing sheep, and my sister is showing sheep and rabbits at the local county fair this week. They have to be there all day, everyday, and have to have someone there with them too. Plus my aunt came in tonight from Ukraine to see my brother and cousin when they get back from Uganda in a couple days, so my mom has been furiously cleaning the house. So since she's been busy, and my dad works all day, guess who gets to be at the fair? Its a lot of fun to see all the animals, but it definitely gets boring after a couple of hours. I am also trying desperately to find a job, and college orientation is in just a few weeks. It seems like everything is just one on top of another right now.

But tonight, I got a challenge.

 I don't know why, but I am becoming really shy. Most of the people who know me know that I'm not overly loud and obnoxious, but I'm definitely not the world's most social person ever. When I'm with my friends I am quite the talker, but now, I am starting to back off and become a little more reserved, especially around guys. It's a fear thing I guess. Like I've said in almost every one of my posts thus far, I let fear rule certain parts of my life, and this is one of them. In the back of my mind, I really could care less what people think of me. I know that I am a child of God, and my identity rests in him alone. However, when I get around new people, I tend to flip a switch and suddenly my mind starts racing: "What to they think of me?" "Do they think I'm a freak?" "Do they like me?" "What's going on here?" I don't  quite understand why I do that.

Tonight is one of my last nights in youth group as an actual student, so I really have had some high expectations as to what I want to learn. Our message tonight was on the little things that we can do to show others how much Christ loves them! We talked about things like sitting with the lonely kid at lunch at school, or just smiling at someone who might be having a bad day. We sang a song called "For the Sake of the World" by Bethel Worship. The words in the chorus echoed the whole point of tonight, and it hit me hard.

"For the sake of the world, burn like a fire in me.
Light a flame in my soul, for every eye to see.
For the sake of the world, burn like a fire in me."

It says to have Christ light a flame that the whole world can see. I realized tonight: I have a light, it may not shine as brightly as others, or it may shine brighter. That isn't important. What is important is that it shines. I have been given a light to shine, and what am I doing with it?

Right now, I'm being a selfish brat, because I don't want to go out of my comfort zone and make a fool of myself. I want me to look good at the expense of others. What if God wants me to talk to that person although they act as though I don't exist? What if he wants me to spend gas money paying for someone's groceries who can't afford it? I might have to go without things I want( Not need), or I might get weird stares. God can work in the smallest of things and wants to use my light to shine into the lives of others. 

I want to reach out to the poor and needy
I want to  be that person that people can confide in.
I want to be that person who can make them smile on a horrible day
I want to be used by God to touch people
I want God to use other people to touch my life as well.

But I want to hide my light. Maybe God is putting certain people in my path, not necessarily for me to minister to them, but for them to minister to me. Maybe God wants people to speak into my life. But I have to talk to them first. God has put a couple specific people in my life for me to pursue friendships with, but I don't even have the guts to talk to them. Why do I want my selfish ways, when I know that God has got some amazing things planned if I would just trust him?

I have a light. I've had a light since the day I accepted Jesus in my room 13 years ago. But I see so many others around me who are still in darkness. Just like candles can light other candles, so people can share God's love with others and in turn give them the light they possess.
I guess I'm wanting whoever reads this to know that I struggle, and I would appreciate your prayers.

Until next time,
Hannah